12:31am – 1:28 am
Sunday 16th July, 2017.
I’m still alive.
I’ve been wanting to write for the longest period of time. I was very close to spilling my thoughts and feelings into my journal, but thought, why not try to update things on my blog at the same time, as a life update kind of post?
So, here I am, doing just that.
I started writing another blog post early June I believe, but never got around to finishing it sadly. I was tempted to go back and edit it up now, but decided against it.
Why you may ask. The reason being, if I do that, I wouldn’t get the things out that I wanted to say now. They’d be bottled up once again, delayed till another date, and only God knows if I’ll get the chance to say these words again.
My thoughts are as fleeting as the moments that I think of them. Ever transcendent. Never fully in my grasp, even when I think them.
My best friend is getting married next month and I still haven’t fully come to terms with those facts. My husband graduated with a PhD in Biomedical science a few days ago and I’m still and forever will, be incredibly in awe and proud of him for making it as far as he has. Allahuma Barik Lahu (May he be blessed and protected).
What about me?
What have I been up to?
What are my plans?
In all honesty, I don’t know how or where to begin to explain.
There’s just been so much going on. Not in a bad way, I just mean in general.
What I do know however, is that despite the recent happenings that have kept me on my toes and the events still yet to pass, I had a delightful time having deep meaningful conversations with a couple (an old family friend of my husband) that came down from Geneva, for my husband’s graduation.
I learnt so much. It was indescribable. They made me feel so loved and important in the short time I got to spend with them, despite hardly knowing much about me. In their presence, I felt that I was surrounded by family. A feeling I miss terribly, having moved away from my own family for the first time in my life, in May of 2016. I moved from the United Arab Emirates to live with my husband in Cardiff. Yes indeed, half way across the world!
But it wasn’t until I was gifted with the blessing in the form of a Skype call with my dad, yesterday evening, did the continuous haze slowly begin to lift.
Talking to my dad reminded me, how often we forget our purpose. How simple life can be if we choose to see it that way, and seek to live a life of simplicity striving to fulfil our true purpose in all that we do. For a gain that may not be immediate, but which doesn’t end as fleeting as life does.
We forget. We get upset and distressed. We see the news and hear of pain and endless suffering. We look right and left and hear of countless death. Diseases. Life becomes suffocating and claustrophobic.
Despite all that happens and all that has happened, we slowly become desensitised and accustomed to the harshness. The unkindness. The racism. The injustice. The wars and battles that never seem to end. The chaos that never seems to make sense.
Answers reveal themselves to a selected view, at selected times, I’m learning. We do not always understand the wisdom or the reason behind events until much later. Sometimes we do not understand at all. But that doesn’t mean there doesn’t lie therein wisdom that can be learnt.
The beauty I find in the beliefs that I hold, is that by trusting the One who knows best, and better than any human ever will, is that you find a sense of comfort. A sense of content and peace within.
It’s so easy, to get caught up in the waves of life. Sucked in, and under. Drown before we’re found. Some don’t even realise how caught up in life they’re, chasing one goal after another, never really stopping to think, what is the ultimate goal? What happens when I can no longer chase things, what then?
People cry and beg for success, striving hard to achieve wealth, status, love, good health, etc; but once it’s yours, then what? What next?
I guess, the reason I’m sharing all of this, is because it’s a reminder first and foremost to myself.
To remember, true success is being at peace and content with all that life has to offer and doesn’t and not being mindless when striving for things in this life. That there should always be purpose to our steps and we should ultimately, all be working towards a happiness that doesn’t have an expiry date.
I was asked a few days ago, where I feel home is for me.
Coming from a mixed background and having moved around a bit since I was born it’s a question I would often struggle with growing up.
But now, it’s beautiful constant reminder that makes me smile, as it reminds me of where I want to go.
One of the analogies I love to give people is the quote, “home is where your heart is.”
For me, home has never been a specific place but rather wherever my heart is. Usually where my loved ones are. But when I think about it, truly, my heart isn’t always in this world. It does not settle for this life. For the enjoyments that fade.
My heart craves Jannah (Paradise).
Eternal and Everlasting bliss and happiness.
For it, I shall forever strive.
This life, I try to view as a means to achieve it.
So that’s my life update for now. I’m trying to figure out a lot of things. I’ve been struggling to find the motivation and energy and time to update. I haven’t been reading or writing as much as I’d love to and as a result, feel like the days merge from one to another, becoming blurs. It’s difficult for me to think straight when things feel cluttered in my brain. Writing helps me to unwind the tangles and knots that are formed and to rearrange things in my mind. Leaving me feeling sometimes a little more content and satisfied.
But I have faith that things will work out in the best possible way. No matter how much I overthink things. It’s what keeps me sane.
I trust in His plan, and will continue to strive to please Him in all that I can, until I’m no longer able to. In striving to please Him, I find things make sense. They have purpose.
What is life after all, without a mission, without a drive, without a purpose?
Never mind the what ifs of a perfect life and world, what. is?